Which biscuit are you?  
It is no secret that Jane and Beryl are lovers of the Great British biscuit, any flavour any type, they are not fussy. They have long since played the 'Biscuit Game': a people watching amusement to keep themselves occupied on long train journeys. What, you may ask, is that? They simply ascribe a biscuit to a type of fashion dresser. Here, they bring you their top cookies.  

The Jammie Dodger


Coat, preloved, £20, dress, Ghost, sale, £82.50, boots,
Jones the Bootmaker, £74, hat, Phase Eight, £69


The Jammie Dodger is that annoying woman with lots of flair and great hair who could wear her mother's anorak and look fabulous. Beryl suspects Jane of being a Jammie Dodger. Flamboyant by nature, her style lurks on the edge of fancy dress, yet irritatingly she gets away with it every time.   The JD adores accessories especially hats, and secretly longs to be in a costume drama. Is that Aiden Turner coming over the hill? In your dreams Jane, in your dreams! 

The Custard Cream

 
Hat Ted Baker, jumper Farhi £60, skirt part of suit Kalico

The Custard Cream is a much more de luxe biscuit than it's humble wrapper and place in the Family Assortment would suggest. The Custard Cream dresser is a lover of plain colours and luxurious fabrics, often in a very muted palette.  She loves high suede boots, cashmere sweaters and layers of extravagant neutrals. The most notable exponent of Custard Cream dressing is undoubtably The Duchess of Sussex. The Custard Cream dresser is at her best a chic minimalist, who is a careful investment shopper. At her worst, a bit ... dull and formulaic. Jane and Beryl say, give us all a break and add some pattern and colour.    

The Tunnock's Caramel Wafer
                                                                    

Coat, vintage Wallis £40, blouse, M&S preloved £1,
skirt, vintage Paul Costelloe, boots, Jones the Bootmaker, £74

Ahh, the Tunnock's Caramel Wafer. Jane has long-loved the biscuit, reminding her of windswept beaches and cold picnics thereon, which consisted mainly of large floury baps filled with tongue: such were the 60s. But she digresses... Jane has a bit of the aforementioned biscuit about her, for she of the Tunnock's fan club loves opulent theatrical dressing, red and gold abound, fringes, textures, dark colours redolent of an old country house library, our example: Helena Bonham Carter for her marvellous eccentric British dressing.  And there's the rub - too much of this and you will look a bit on the fusty, dusty side. Caveat, Jane!


The Chocolate Digestive


Hat, homemade, coat and boots, vintage La Redoute


Secretly, Jane would also like to think of herself as the archetypal chocolate digestive, the biscuit to which no one can say 'No', and indeed, the biscuit that everyone wants more of ('You'll be lucky,' says Beryl, 'and while we're on the subject, stop being so greedy: you can't have all the biscuits!'). With its combination of dark chocolate and delicious biscuit base, it combines the everyday with the luxurious. The chocolate digestive dresser loves fashionable clothes made in the finest fabrics, with her eye firmly fixed on cut and colour. The glamorous Helen Mirren comes to mind. This dresser can be over awed by a designer label, and this is her downfall: not everything with Chanel on it should necessarily be in her wardrobe ('Just most things,' says Jane).

The Party Ring


Dress Rixo, bought on the sale rail in SAKS for £150, preloved 
handbag £10, preloved Nine West shoes £16

She is a lover of a good time, a party animal by nature, she loves anything shiny, spangly, short,  pink and fluffy. Her natural habitat is perched on a bar stool in Manhattan, sipping a Manhattan. At her best she looks like a party goer from the Great Gatsby era, (Tess Daily wore this frock recently on Strictly). However, can you feel a 'but' coming? A certain discipline is required if a gal if not to end up looking like a stale biscuit, left on a plate after the guests have gone. Beware your inner Party Barbie or indeed your inner Barbara Cartland. (Beryl can't help but secretly admire a woman who wore only pink) Beryl, who has a hint of the party ring about her, restricts herself to one outrageous scintillating garment per outfit, and is careful not to wear her beaded finery round Tesco.      

The Jaffa Cake



Past season velvet suit and tippet  Laura Ashley, charity shop jumper all gifts
boots Ivylee £55 The White House Designer Sale, Past season orange coat by Top Shop on chair £85   


 Beryl's true fashion identity lies closer to the Jaffa Cake by nature. 'What! A plain sponge base, with a surprisingly nice middle, topped off with a thin veneer of chocolate?' queries Jane. 'There is nothing surprisingly nice about my middle,' Beryl dryly observes, her waist-line having gone the way of many a Jaffa Cake scoffer. No, what Beryl means is that like a Jaffa cake, she is eclectic, her wardrobe is made up of interesting layers, and not just one thing. She loves fashion and the thrill of the new. She will juxtapose lace with leather, a floaty skirt with a chunky boot... a blazer with her shorts? 'Too far,' says Jane and, yes, this can be her undoing. Just because someone says it's fashionable, doesn't mean it suits you. 

The Rich Tea

Coat, vintage Burberry, shoes, vintage Hobbs, trousers, preloved M&S, £6

So the saying goes:"A drink's too wet without one!" And that is the bottom line with the Rich Tea, the most stable of biscuit dressers. She may be the one with the sensible shoes and the thermos, but everyone wants a piece of her when the chips are down. Reliable, dependable and always prepared, Jane definitely has a hint of the Rich Tea about her. But beware! Her attire can slip into the boring - all that beige and brown is all very well for a walk in a muddy field, but really isn't suitable for a jollifications and celebrations.


The Shortbread finger 




Pre-loved Jaeger kilt £12, vintage Top Shop blouse, Alice Temperley cardi
 past season £99, boots Guess from TK Maxx £39, vintage beret from Jane's collection

Obviously, a biscuit and dresser in the finest tradition, both HM The Queen and HRH The Duchess of Cambridge are dressers of this ilk. Their clothes draw heavily upon garments made to weather the British climate and participate in outdoor sports, often with a hint of militaria thrown in. These are elegant clothes with a heritage, but overdose on these and a person can look like an extra from Brigadoon or a member of the Queen's Dragoon Guards whose gone AWOL for the weekend. 

 Next Week: Borrowed from the boys 










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