Dear Jane and Beryl... our fashionistas answer your spring fashion queries

Dear Jane and Beryl... our fashionistas answer your spring fashion queries

Wednesday 4 March 2020

Dear Jane and Beryl, 

I went to the cinema and watched Little Women. Cor, that geezer, Timothee Chalamet, is a bit of alright. In order to attract a young man of that calibre should I opt for this season's prints and ruffles?

Yours, in anticipation,

Anthea 

Dear Anthea, 

Well, that's a poser for us Anthea. Men universally  find these dresses completely repellant, it seems, and as your plan is to attract a young male, we suggest instead looking like a complete slut, which does the trick every time we find. Anyway, Jane thinks that women who have reached their half century should avoid looking like Amy March. These dresses often add poundage in odd places -  Jane's not inconsiderable bosom seems increased by flowers, flounces and frills. 

But please invite us to the wedding!

Jane and Beryl

Dress, Max Studio, £99

Dear Jane and Beryl,

As I can remember the 70s from the first time round, wearing all those florals and tassels make me feel young again. Is it a good idea to revisit past successes in this way? Or should I just abandon this vibe and go for the new Spring Gothic look instead?

Morticia, Little Hatchet

Dear Morticia, 

 Bearing in mind our comments above re: frills and flounces, we feel compelled to mention that much of the 70s stuff abounds in these as well as other furbelows, so please be careful in what you choose. Jane found this blouse to be a bit of a hit, however, as it is in a heavy satin which gives it a great hang, while the lily design and lapel collar retain the hippy vibe.

Jane and Beryl

Blouse, Alice Temperley, £69

Dear Jane and Beryl,

I am fed up with wearing sad assed old lady shoes on my poor trotters now that they are full of sad assed old lady complaints, bunions, corns and so forth. Have you got any ideas for comfy but stylish footwear, if this is even possible?

Anon, Much Wearing

Dear Anon,

Depends what you mean by stylish, dear friend, but with Beryl's arthritis/bunion and Jane's corns/bunion we so know where you are coming from, and are constantly on the look out for suitable footwear. These boots are Jane's current faves, as they are in lovely soft leather and the pointy toe is deceptively comfortable as it fits neatly round said bunion. All the footwear in these pics fall into the same comfy but stylish category,  we feel.

Yours, in comfort, 

Jane and Beryl

Boots, M&S, £55

Dear Jane and Beryl, 

The prospect of impending extinction of our species has led me think that I will only buy one item of new clothing this spring. What would you choose?

Emma, London

Ahh, dearest Emma, 
We feel your pain, and if push comes to shove, which it rather has, we suggest a good quality, bright coloured blazer in the most sustainable of fabrics, linen. This will at least cheer you up, and you can literally wear it to the end of time. 

 Best Wishes, Jane and Beryl  

Jaeger linen blazer £160, top and skirt (£110) Boden, plimmies Victoria £39  

Dear Jane and Beryl,

Is it time to retire my leopard? My inner animal has always been a feature of my wardrobe but I am beginning to feel that perhaps the time has come to pension it off as my own free bus pass looms.

Regards, Enid, Auchtermuchty

Dear Enid,

 If you want to be fashionable,

then leopard is the answer. Or if you fancy a change, try zebra. We have always been slightly wary of animal print near an older gal, as none of us look like Racquel Welsh in 1,000,000BC any longer. However, if Jane can manage it, so can you. She was a leopard print virgin until this week: now look at her go!

Good luck!

Jane and Beryl

PS It's everywhere in the shops just now, though possibly not in Auchtermuchty. 

Dress, Alice Temperley, £139, shoes, Clarks, £79

M&S £35 

Avon, £10

PSS, Enid, you could aways just express your animalistic tendencies in your choice of footwear. 

Dear Jane and Beryl,

I notice that stripy tops are everywhere this spring. I wore these loads during my child bearing years, but wonder if they are too much of a cliche now?   

Brenda, Bolsover

                                                                               

Dear Brenda,

 Yes, quite so, they are as hackneyed as it comes, but Beryl is doing it anyway as a long sleeved tee is just such excellent spring wear. A word of warning however: stripy T-shirts are tricky beasts on the mature bod, and not all horizontal lines are your bosom friend, so to speak. In picture A (John Lewis, £29) the wider, darker stripes and slimmer fit do at least suggest the existence of a neat torso,

while in picture B, our Bezza is packing square tits and a unpleasant stomach roll. Failing all of that, keep your jacket on. 

Good luck, Jane and Beryl

Past season Jacket Ralph Lauren, past season Zara plimmies. 

Dear Jane and Beryl,

My mother always made me wear pink until the age of 21: now I can't stop. Is pink passe, or must I see a physician? 

Miss Piggy, LA

Dear Miss Piggy,

We always say, 'Pink, pink to make the boys wink,' love it in every shade from blancmange to bubble gum and never stop wearing it. The one exception is in the tight fitting trouser department,
as chipolata legs are not attractive. (Sorry, darling, not you of course). This season Beryl has gone all Angel Delight on the world in her jumper from Mint Velvet £69. Enjoy!

Lots of love, Jane and Beryl

Pink sweater Mint Velvet £69, Boden trousers £90 

Dear Jane and Beryl,

 I am longing for spring so I can shed my winter clothing, but the weather just isn't up to it yet. What can I wear now?

Yours despondently,  

Mona, Wingeing-Hampton 

Dearest Mona,

 We can only assume that you didn't attend the alma mater of Jane and Beryl where, regardless of snow, hail and Biblical flood, all the gals returned for Lenten term in summer uniform. 

Beryl suggests neatly side-stepping the issue of  chilly early spring by wearing a selection of inter-seasonal clothing in spring-like colours. Here she wears viscose new season Boden trews, with a Primrose Park shirt of last year. Still cold, use that old biker trick of wearing your tights under your leathers, or add a bright wooly coat, scarf, hat, thermal vest, anything as long as it is not black, brown or grey. 

Jane and Beryl 

Coat Jaeger sale last year £180, shirt Primrose Park sale £79,
 trousers, Boden, this season 20% off promotion therefore £70, red ankle boots, Guess, £39, TK Maxx