Seven Deadly Trouser Sins

Seven Deadly Trouser Sins

Monday 7 May 2018

Bottoms change: it is the irrefutable law of nature and indeed gravity that rears evolve and metamorphosize with time. Typically waists and hips expand, and a suggestion of a pot belly can appear, quell horror. Becoming broader in the beam, is not the only challenge to beset a bum. They also have a sneaky habit of losing muscle and sliding into the leg area, where they are definitely not welcome. The good news, however, is that acquiring the right trousers will ameliorate posterior peccadillos, and present your perfect peach to the world as it has always been.


Problem 1: The Pot Belly and the VPL

Tweedledum...

...and Tweedledee

Beryl is looking like the love child of Ronnie Corbett and Tweedle-dum in these red side zipped trousers. Beryl has muffin, and more visible panty-line than a row of freshly laundered bloomers blowing in the wind. A too tight waistband a pot belly doth make. Just because the zip goes up, doesn't meant it fits. For heavens sake, Beryl, get over yourself and buy a bigger size pet, and while you are at it some proper big, lady knickers.

 Solution1: Distraction

Trousers £28 Debenhams, top £35 both Jasper Conran at Debenhams

 Believe it or not, these are the same size and make as the previous pair above. Sizing in Jane and Beryl's opinion is a bit of a lottery. Beryl cheerfully wears anything from a size eight to a size twelve  depending on the make and cut of the garment. Whereas the red pair of trousers show every lump and bump, the pattern on the second pair distracts the eye, and provides camouflage for her tum-tum. The little tie thing on the blouse is also a good rouse for throwing the public off the scent of her cake consumption. Job done.  

Problem 2: The Hip Wing

Top £24.99 and trousers £32
Dorothy Perkins at Debenhams

Jane and Beryl realise that not everyone suffers from this, but our duo both have the hips of racing snakes (in other words, their waists are too big for their hips). This means they have to buy trousers which are too big in the hip department in order to get them round their podgy midriffs. Ahh, the horrors of the menopause!

Solution 2: The A-Shape

Trousers Heart £69, blouse £27.50 M&S

These niffy trews are are the magic shape however, the width at the bottom makes a girl's rear look like a peanut.

Problem 3: The Flappy Bottom

Top Kew, £16.99 TK Maxx. Trousers House of Foxy £69

Some trousers just do un-called for stuff. Beryl has two pairs of these, the blue are perfect, but the red strangely collect fabric in the fandango area, in a way that is reminiscent of the folds of an elephant's nether regions. Any hint of this is very aging, and thus the offending items must be banished from any thinking woman's wardrobe. 


Solution 3: Look at your behind and be discerning!

Trouser suit Laura Ashley, trousers £80, jacket £59.50 (in the sale)

Gone, elephant bottom! Gone, sad ass! A decent fit is out there waiting for everyone, it's a matter of finding the blighter. When you do, buy ten pairs as they are a rare and precious thing prized beyond rubies.


Problem 4: The Muffin Top






It's all too easy to insist that one is still the size of one's youth and merrily squeeze oneself into that number, no matter that every cell of your spreading middle is screaming 'No, thrice, no!'

Solution 4: Buy a bigger size

Trousers £35 M&S, blouse Seamstress of Bloomsbury £39, bag Hush £59, hat vintage

Much better to give in and buy a bigger size: so much calmer and much more gorgeous.

Problem 5: Short Legs

In Town clam-diggers £35, Top TK Maxx, Precis jacket £99

Strangely, Beryl does not have particularly short legs for her body, but stick on a cropped trouser and a Betty Boop length top and what there is disappears quite literally up her own bottom. Beware the clam-digger, the peddle-pusher and the capri-pant say Jane and Beryl, there is much to go awry. A leg can suddenly take on the form of a pork chop, or worse still the whole ham.   


Solution 5: Dress Over Jeans

Coat Copenhagen £80, Tunic dress Numph £60 (this season)
 Jeans DL 1960 £180, shoes £24 Zara. 

The dress over trousers is currently a fashion thing, and perhaps one that the WOACA should not dismiss lightly, as it sorts out the problem rather neatly of where the torso ends and and the leg begins. 

Problem 6: Saddle Bags




Jane and Beryl have many body issues which they bring you in photographic form for your amusement and approbation, but having saddle bags is not one of them, but you get the gist of what they're on about.

Solution 6: Cover them up

Dress £32, trousers £24 Dorothy Perkins at Debenhams

So, they think that the best plan is to draw attention away if you are conscious of your thighs and emphasise the good stuff instead. This natty little floral ensemble is bang on trend in the fashion stakes, as dear Gok would say and a dream to wear, reports Jane who was very taken with it. Twenty per cent off too.

Problem 7: Looking like an old bag lady



Solution 7: Go for a young at heart vibe

Next week: with Harry and Meghan's wedding mania at fever pitch, Jane and Beryl seek some royal inspiration.