Letter to Teresa May

Letter to Teresa May

Wednesday 13 July 2016

Letter to Teresa May, 

the 'accidental' prime minister

Darling girl,

We realise that you have been terribly busy this week, otherwise you would, of course, have written to us (Jane and Beryl) to seek our advice on what to wear having suddenly and so unexpectedly become Prime Minister. And yes, we do appreciate that above and beyond matters of state you are having a monumental wardrobe crisis, it is only natural after all. But, fear not, we are on hand to help steer you in the right direction. 

Much of what you have is perfectly serviceable and will hold you in good stead for your forthcoming term in office, there will however need to be some judicious wardrobe reshuffling, and the odd thing that you must not wear again on any account. We say, bring out those items we have not seen recently but we feel are hiding in your pre-PM wardrobe. Darling, please ignore the French in matters of dress. We know we are all supposed to look like Christine Legarde, but we are British and therefore are allowed to look our bright, quirky selves. 

   

We are huge fans of the statement or 'colour pop' coat. How lovely you look in red with an over the knee boot. We even like the golf ball pearls. In fact, you look just the way we like their WOACAs, (Women Of A Certain Age) vibrant, interesting and stylish. We also like the addition of texture in the red coat, and applaud co-ordinating gloves, as hands do not photograph well once
women hit their prime. 

However, the Vivienne Westwood plaid suit is frankly hideous, what were you thinking? You look like the retiring headmistress of a girl's school in Lanarkshire, not a woman about to embark on the political international roller-coaster ride of your life. Please sent this to a charity shop forthwith or forget that, just pop it in a bin bag and send it to land fill, no one will actually mind.

In contrast, we like the idea of a floral coat and a colour pop shoe. Buy more of these, perhaps in some vibrant tones like this one Beryl is wearing, which came from Laura Ashley. Whatever you do, buy British, we need to see you, darling, in the very best that Britain can muster, and our clothing industry needs you. Mix highstreet with designer, just like that yummy Duchess of Cambridge, buy your knickers from M&S and your suits from Hobbs, this will make people like you and think that you are normal. 

Your trouser outings have not been an unbridled success we think, as the results are somewhat 

soggy-bottomed and not as beautifully fitted as we feel they should. We suggest going back to the British staple, M&S, and purchasing at least half a dozen pairs of these wide-legged silk jersey numbers (£45), which will see you through so many long (and dreary) Cabinet meetings. Jane is wearing hers with a jacket of a slight military bearing which we think would very much suit your purposes with its nipped in waist and double row of brass buttons. 

There is another point you need to reconsider: ditch the funnel necks. You do not want people confusing you with the head of the Star Fleet Command from Star Trek, it is only Britain that you are trying to run here, not the universe. 

Please, dear girl, leave the leopard at home. Shiny animal fabrics are not our friends. The animal print is a temptation to the WOACA, because we think this makes us look young and fun, but actually the effect is more sad, old cougar. We know you like a leopard print shoe, and Beryl shares your penchant, but shoe and bag only (perhaps a scarf). 

While we are discussing jackets lets talk about your sartorial bete noir Margaret Thatcher. We are sure that neither you nor the nation is looking for a re-run of the Thatcher years. So darling girl, keep it soft. Put a floaty skirt with a blazer, or a an unstructured jacket with knife pleats. Beryl's white skirt is Massimo Dutti and the blazer is ancient from Kew. The pink Chanel-style jacket is from Villagio. Cullottes are perhaps not something you have not considered, but practical when one is running the country: these are by Miss Sugar.

 

We love your over the knee red boots which are a triumph - in fact, where did you get these? Jane and Beryl would like a pair each. We are not sure about leather on the front benches.

We know it's mean of us to drag up all your wardrobe mis-steps (as they say on the other side of the pond), but evening wear is a particular minefield for those in the public eye and you will have many occasions to get this wrong over the coming months. Here, we have the good (red, draped, sleeve covering), the bad (black strapless, just too much middle-aged flesh) and the ugly (what the hell is that blue duvet doing on your body?) We say again, just back away from the shiny fabric! 

However, good to see a pair of beautiful multi-tasking shoes: you can easily wear an ankle strap which can't be said of many, with your long, lovely pins. How unusual to see a well-turned ankle on the political stage. 

And finally, this is one of your top looks: we truly love this outfit, a navy blue Roland Mouret dress in the region of £1300, you wore to the Tory party conference. Flattering asymmetric neckline, on the knee hemline, bingo wing coverage, soft navy colour, all the things we WOACAs need. Totally worth the money, you look the bees knees. Victoria Beckham's similar dresses would fly the British flag. 

Jane has been rocking this Diva Catwalk version for years and at £125 it's darned sight more affordable. Those in the political limelight need to keep their own eyes on paparazzi faux pas as there is hardly anything worse than a saggy arm in the Daily Mail.

We wish you all the luck in the world!