Friday 29 January 2016

Knitwear or bust?

Dolly Parton was once quoted as saying that she loved, "food and men, in that order". In the same vein Jane and Beryl's biggest disappointments are knitwear and men, in that order. What do they like about knitwear? Well, searching for positives, the only one is warmth in a cold climate. They have seen women look good in knitwear, they are normally young, beautiful and have long necks and no tits. 

Jane and Beryl find knitwear clingy, hot, lumpen, and often expensive and it STILL pills after five minutes. Generally, they steer well clear, but sadly there are moments when a girl needs a warm wooly pully. 

Jane is wearing a strangely grey item that could perhaps be called a cape: it has loads of acrylic in it and came from the market in Winchester for a full £22. However, it does drape surprisingly well (but offers no warmth, it must be mentioned). 

This is an example of Beryl's worse knitwear buying traits. Bought in the week before Christmas, it fulfilled her 'pub with friends in front of a log fire' fantasy. The reality, is of course, is that she is always too hot. It cost £150 from Toast, and pilled within a week. Pilling they find is particularly prevalent with women with breasts, whereby you end up with tumbleweeds of wool under your armpits. Beryl publicly vows that this will be her last overpriced knitwear purchase. 

Much rather spend a third of that hefty price tag on an equivalent from Top Shop, says Jane, smugly, who bought this one for £55 last winter. It does fall into the shapeless boyfriend category, (or the grumpy old husband sweater in Jane and Beryl's case) but is incredibly warm and perfect for the early morning school run as it covers a multitude of sins (and pyjamas). 

This sweater, which is the colour of a Hubba Bubba, or for those of you our age, a Bazooka Joe, is a success. It is cotton, washes beautifully and cost £35 from Zara (and is indestructible).  

  

Jane bought this for half price in a sale and it cost about £70. She was attracted to the colour and the texture and was blinded to its rather itchy roll neck and somewhat shapeless torso (or is that just her?) However, a passing derelict on this shoot admired her: "You look loverly," he said. (Probably needed new glasses, says Beryl).

Beryl bought this in a charity shop to illustrate Jane and Beryl's growing conviction that we should all be strangers to polo necks post 50. This reminds them of jumpers worn by teachers at a girls' school in Shropshire in the 1970's, women not renowned for their sartorial elegance. This a repulsive life-sapping colour, draws attention to Beryl's multiple chins, and makes her bosom look like a car bonnet. 

Jane, again in a long, grey, shapeless cardi. She loves these! This is a cotton version thus avoiding the pilling factor. This was also half price in a sale (original price £160) and has been worn again…and again…and again for the past three years. 

This has and is a successful piece of knitwear. Beryl bought it as an alternative to a jacket. It cost £120 from Olsen but goes over dresses, skirts, jeans, and has that Chanel hint of chic.

And now for something completely different… Jane's mother loves a bit of hand knitting, and this was one of hers from several years ago. She wears it on holiday when the sun shines but the wind
still blows.