Thursday 7 January 2016

                       The Hall of ShameWith the new year comes resolution, in this case, to refrain from buying garments that we will not wear. So Jane and Beryl decided to reflect upon those clothes that have won their place in the Shopping Hall of Shame. We suggest that most women possess one of these: hurriedly bought garments on the day of the occasion; items on sale which we cannot resist; the lure of the charity shop, (its not quite right but was good for the money); keeping things that don't quite fit in ernest hope of self improvement; clothes that speak of our youth, great adventures, lost love or special occasions, but are hideously out of fashion…                                            Here are Jane and Beryl's big mistakes
                                         

Schoolgirl error, Beryl's mitigation for the leather skater skirt on the right is that her Mother had just died and she was off to the Giants of Rock in Minehead, both of which engendered an urge to fight off her own mortality. This is truly terrible on a woman of her age and cost a whopping £150 in Banana Republic, two years ago. In fact this has only had one wear, as Beryl decided it was too silly even for the Giants of Rock. We much prefer the straight skirt on the left which is a bit of pure fakery and cost £20 from Mount's Bay Trading in Penzance, ( Rock Bottom room at the back).

Here is Jane in her granny's cast off nylon waistcoat - when was there anything good about a waistcoat, says Beryl - a particularly fine example of the ghastly genre. Jane bought this in Zara against Beryl's judgement on a day when she was in one of her 'determined to buy something' moods and even she couldn't prevent Jane buying the disaster that this is. It was £35 and has never seen the light of day. Eeugh! 

You may wonder why Beryl is complaining here. This definitely photographs better than the reality. Now leopard print is the sticky toffee pudding of dressing. Beryl thinks that she loves it, but too big a lump of it, and she is overwhelmed by its stodgy confection. Small bites such are shoes are the way to go. This is a satiny material and she just feels that a new career in the Rover's Return may be beckoning. This cost £60, and has been 

worn once.

Well, what's wrong with her now, we hear you ask?  Beryl feels she has boarded the bus to Cougar Town in this Banana Republic dress, which was around a hundred pounds. Its is slightly short, a bit tight and the goods are all on display in the window. Please remind her not to do this again.

  

Jane was blinded by the sheer love of the fabric of this duster coat, from Top Shop three years ago (£60). She did have fun wearing it for a minute or two, but really every time she takes it out of the wardrobe these days, she takes agin it. There is something about the horrible squareness of the thing that does her no favours at all and so it is, with sadness, that she must kiss it goodbye 

or make it into cushion covers. 

There is nothing wrong with this, except that it is a serial buy for Beryl, and while she's at it, Dullsville Arizona is the next stop on that bus tour. She has more exciting versions, so this one is always bottom of the heap. This falls in the category of more fun to buy than to wear.

It came unworn secondhand for £50. 

This Top Shop jacket (£60) has been lurking in the back of Jane's armoire for many a moon and although she loves the Vivienne Westwood vibe, it is one of those items that Jane never quite finds the right occasion for: she's either too hot, too cold, it's too smart or not smart enough, it's too Hogmanay, it's too Burn's Night, it's too checked… and yet she cannot quite get it out of her life. 

Maybe next year…

What possesses Beryl sometimes. Beryl was shopping with her youngest child in New Look. Perhaps women of a certain age should stay away from teenage stores. Clearly she fell under the spell of a bad fashion fairy. This nylon top, which has the effect of a boil in the bag cod fillet on the middle age thermostat, also has the effect of looking like Beryl chose the butter sauce option too often. Beryl is truly ashamed and actually did not think this was a good idea as she bought it. 

If in doubt, listen to the voices.